The TimeTravelling Plagiarism of Evil
by CanCanCactus
Summary: Harry is Snape's father, and Dumbledore has returned from the past. Just what does George Lucas's lawyer have to do with it? A tragedy in two scenes.


People returning from the future, people who in fact are, or used to be, different people, people who are other people's long lost fathers, people turning evil...think you've seen it all? Like hell you have. Features a completely unnecessary guest appearance of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

**Harry Potter and the Time-Travelling Plagiarism of Evil**

_I've seen the future... it's just like the past, only longer! K. Albran_

**Scene 1**

A dark corridor. No, make that a very dark corridor. Pitch black Peruvian darkness, so to speak. A dramatic atmosphere, of course. Imagine something you find scary in the background, be it a thunderstorm, an abyss (yes, in the corridor. Be creative, will you?) or Jessica Simpson. Standing face to face, wands drawn and cloaks billowing, are Harry Potter and Severus Snape.

Harry: 'Now you'll pay, Snape, for everything you've done. This is for my parents...and Dumbledore... _Crucio_!

Snape, ducking: 'How very touching. But you've become more powerful than I thought, Potter! Shame Dumbledore can't see you now...then again, it's not all too surprising, considering your heritage.'

Harry: 'Leave my parents out of it, you coward!'

Snape: 'Dumbledore never told you what really happened to your father...'

Harry: 'I know enough. You sold him, you...'

Snape: 'I am your father, Potter!'

Harry: 'Nooooo!'

Suddenly, a cloud of mysterious white fog appears in the corridor. Several dramatic seconds pass before the fog parts in the middle to reveal two white-robed men.

Man No 2: 'You see, he's got it all wrong! We've just arrived in time.'

Man No 1: 'Of course. Where else?'

Man No 2: 'You're standing on my foot.'

Man No 1: 'Sorry!'

Meanwhile, the fog has lifted enough to reveal their faces. One is a young, blonde man, and the other is... Albus Dumbledore!

Snape: 'Merlin's balls!'

Harry: 'What the fuck?'

Snape: 'This can't be true...this must be a nightmare...I killed you, you're dead!

Dumbledore: 'Oh yes, I was! Or am I?'

Man No 1: 'Actually, you will be, but we'll talk about that later.'

Harry, to Dumbledore: 'Snape just told me that he's my father, and you knew it all along. This isn't true, is it?

Please tell me this isn't true!'

Dumbledore: 'You're right, Harry, it is not true.'

Harry: 'Ha! to Snape You bastard!'

Snape: 'But...looks confused from Harry to Dumbledore to the blonde man, then gasps and points his hand triumphantly at the stranger. He! It was him who told me! He gave me this very secret document...fumbles around in his robes, then produces a creased bunch of paper...here!'

Blonde Man: 'I'm sorry, but I gave you the wrong script.'

Snape, slowly reading out the words on the paper: 'The Empire Strikes Back...what the...?'

Dumbledore: 'Look, this is a rather long story, I'm afraid. Why don't we all meet in my office?

Harry, shrugging: 'Well, can't hurt...'

Exit all

**Scene 2**

Harry, Snape, Dumbledore, the blonde man, Minerva McGonagall, Ron and Hermione are sitting around Dumbledore's desk, looking slightly confused. Except for Dumbledore, who is looking wise and noble, the mysterious blonde man, who is looking mysterious, and Ron, who is looking more than slightly confused.

McGonagall: 'Wait...wasn't this _my _office a minute ago?'

Blonde Man: 'Yes, but all important explanation scenes have to take place in Dumbledore's office. And this is an important explanation scene.'

Hermione: 'Right, but, with all due respect gives Dumbledore a shy smile, magic can't bring people back from the dead, so how can Professor Dumbledore be here?'

Dumbledore: 'I returned from the future...'

Blonde Man: 'No, in fact, you returned from the past. Well, at first, you travelled from the future to the past, but I brought you from the past to the present to make a very crucial explanation.'

Dumbledore: 'Ah, yes. Excuse me, temporal jetleg, you know. Anyway, being the unequaled mastermind that I am, only I am capable of repairing the damage that has already been done. Harry... Severus...what I am going to tell you now will be a serious shock to both of you.'

Harry: 'As long as he's not my father, the...'

Dumbledore: 'Actually, Harry, you are Severus's father.'

All: 'What?'

Ron: 'What?'

Hermione: 'How should that be possible?'

Dumbledore, smiling: 'Actually, it's quite easy. In the long and distant past - or, from your point of view, a few years in the future - the Ministry of Magic founded the Department of Temporal War-Fare, the goal of which was to defeat Voldemort in a time when he hadn't become Voldemort yet.

Hermione: 'Of course! Why haven't I thought of that?'

Dumbledore: 'In fact, you have. Or rather, you will... anyway, the problem is, as brilliant as it was, the plan didn't work.'

Blonde Man: 'You see, we've discovered that time-travel doesn't change the future, since the present in which the time-travel occurs is already past of the future. You can only change the future of the past, which is the past of the present.'

Ron: 'Whatever...who are you anyway?'

Blonde Man: 'Me? I'm Ben Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi, actually, but don't tell anyone, I'm in hiding.'

Ron: 'Are you from another time, too?'

Obi-Wan: 'No, I'm from another movie.'

Ron: 'What's a movie?'

Hermione, irritated: 'It's like a Pensive, only imaginary and pressed on celluloid. Anyway, Professor Dumbledore was going to tell us why my plan didn't work.'

Harry: 'And how the... _he _can be my...how I can be his father!'

Dumbledore: 'Ah, right. The plan was to send Harry, who was supposed to be the only one who could defeat Lord Voldemort, back in time, to kill Voldemort's sixteen-year-old self before he could become a killer.'

Harry, disappointed: 'But I failed...'

Dumbledore: No, no you did exactly as you were told. The thing is, you accidentally broke your time-turner during the fight and got stuck in the past. When the rest of us realized that you weren't coming back, and, moreover, that no significant changes were applied to the past, we sent Hermione after you to see what went wrong.'

McGonagall, gasping: '...where she assumed the name of her former Transfiguration teacher, whom she happened to admire...'

Dumbledore: 'I see, Minerva, your memory is returning...'

Hermione: 'But what...how...turns to McGonagall oh my God, you're me!'

All: 'What?'

Ron: 'Bloody hell!'

Hermione and McGonagall: 'Ronald!'

Ron: 'Sorry... Ma'am.'

Snape: 'See? I told you she admired herself too much for her own good!'

Hermione: 'But that means I never returned from the past!'

Dumbledore: 'Quite right. Meanwhile, Harry had to assume the identity of Tom Riddle, to cover up for his murder as well as to hide his own identity. The problem was that, being rather excited with the experience of having killed a man, his popularity and the attention he received from his fellow Slytherins, Harry was on the best way to become a dark wizard himself, and was not at all inclined to return to the time he belonged in. Our Hermione, of course - or Minerva, as she now called herself - did her best to persuade him to return to our side.'

McGonagall: 'Yes, yes, I remember, now. I tried my best, I was desperate to drag him off the path he had chosen, but I think I came too late...'

Harry: 'But that doesn't mean...you're not telling me...I'm not...'

Dumbledore: 'I'm afraid, Harry, it's true. You will become Lord Voldemort one day.'

Hermione: 'My God, Harry!'

Snape: 'The Dark Lord is my father?'

Ron: 'Can't get worse, can it?'

McGonagall, sobbing: 'I couldn't stop him! I'm so sorry, Harry, I... I loved you, Harry.'

Ron: 'Yes, it can...'

Dumbledore: 'It appears Harry and Hermione had a relationship before Harry fully indulged in the Dark Arts, and what's more,...'

Snape, burying his face in his hands: 'Merlin, please don't let this be true.'

Dumbledore: '...they had a child together.

Harry, disgusted: 'Snape!'

Dumbledore, smiling: 'The very.'

McGonagall, to Snape: 'You're my son!'

Hermione: 'And mine!'

Harry: 'And mine.'

Snape: 'I'm the love child of Lord Potter and Minerva McGranger...heaven help me.'

Ron: 'Is everyone here related to everyone, except me?'

Obi-Wan: 'Yes, that's because of the shippers, who want you and Hermione to hook up in your seventh year.'

Ron: 'Cool.'

Hermione: 'Of course, that makes sense.'

McGonagall: 'But...how come I didn't remember anything until now?'

Dumbledore: 'You see, when Harry chose to become the Dark Lord, we had to hide you and the child from him, for your own safety.'

Harry: 'Why, I'd never...'

Obi-Wan: 'Experience.Trust me.'

Dumbledore: 'Anyhow, that is why we had to erase your memory, Minerva, of ever having been Hermione. And of course, we changed the child's name and...just to be safe...gender.'

Silence. The penny drops. Laughter. Snape sobs.

Harry: 'Snape was a girl once? That's just...oh my god!' giggles uncontrollably

Ron: 'The Half-Blood Princess...'

Obi-Wan: 'Why, they're not to be messed with!'

Lucius: 'That explains a lot, actually.'

McGonagall: 'Where are you coming from?'

Lucius: 'Uhm, nowhere... going home...'

Exit Lucius

Hermione, to Dumbledore: 'What I don't understand is... how do you fit into all this, Professor? How come you're the only one who knows the whole story?'

Dumbledore: 'Excellent question, Miss Granger, excellent question. I, in fact, have travelled forth and back in time, making sure there are always at least two versions of myself in every timeline, so that the older version could tell the younger what was going to happen. That, you see, is why I'm close to omniscient.'

Hermione: 'But...there aren't two versions of you here, now, or are there?'

Dumbledore: 'Well, to be honest, there are.'

Turns to Snape. Snape raises an eyebrow. Silence.

Snape, finally: 'No...'

Obi-Wan: 'Search your feelings, Severus, you know it is true!'

Ron: 'Rather look at the nose; I'd say that's evidence enough.'

Harry, shaking his head: 'Dumbledore is Snape returned from the future? Jesus Christ... his jaw drops...that...that means I'm Dumbledore's father!

Hermione: 'And I'm his mother.'

McGonagall: 'Yes, me too.'

Dumbledore: 'Do you see now, Minerva, why I had to refuse you all those years? I couldn't possibly...with my own mother...'

Hermione: 'So that was the reason you trusted Professor Snape all the time...he is you.'

Snape: 'Wait... frowns does that mean I committed suicide?'

Harry: 'What? At least _you_ succeeded...'

Snape: 'They can't put me into Azkaban for suicide, can they?'

Dumbledore: 'No. Why do you think did you remain free all those years, hm?'

Harry: 'Honestly, I don't get it. I mean, Snape is...and Dumbledore is...Dumbledore is, you know, _nice_.'

McGonagall: 'Don't talk about our sons...son like that, Harry!'

Dumbledore: 'Oh, that's in fact the easiest part! Takes a bunch of lemon drops out of his pocket Here...Weasleys' Wizarding Weezes' most astonishing invention: Personality-Improving Pops! Take one, and you'll feel the irresistible urge to be nice to everybody for two hours. I tried it to get laid at least once in a decade and found it worked wonders...here, Severus, have one!'

Snape, looking quite resigned: 'If you insist...and, muttering...and if it gets me laid...'

Takes one. Frowns. Then, suddenly, starts to grin.

Dumbledore: 'See?'

Everybody is staring at Snape in utmost awe.

Ron: 'So, everyone is marrily time-traveling, except for me?'

Obi-Wan: 'Well, in fact, no, you're working for my creator.'

Ron, beaming: 'I'm working...for God?'

Obi-Wan: 'Ahm, not quite. You see, this version of the future is plagiarism. You're George Lucas's lawyer, collecting evidence.

Ron: 'What's a lawyer?'

Hermione: 'That's not good, Ron! Lawyers are evil.'

Ron: 'Well, since you and I are going to hook up, I guess that means you'll be my Queen of Evil.'

Hermione: 'Hmm... yes, that's logical.'

Ron and Hermione jump up, draw their wands, and kill everyone in the room

Hermione: 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Ron?'

Ron: 'Yes, but how can you press an imaginary Pensive on celluloid?'

End


End file.
